Thursday, August 18, 2011

Mind Games

Empire is 8 weeks away. The mind games I play with myself have started. I do this every freaking year and give myself mini panic attacks because I am positive I need more time to train. I still have TWO months of training so why is this freaking me out so much?! It just does.

The pressure that I put on myself is what screws me over. For this marathon I am putting a lot of pressure on myself. I want to improve. By a lot. And I am scared.

Scared if I don't.

Scared if I do.

I am fighting with myself to not play this race safe. And I really want to play it safe.

See, I want to shave 16 minutes off my time. Which is an INSANE amount of time. And I know it. My goal is a 4:15 marathon. Last year, I did a 4:31. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

There is something I can't explain that is holding me back to go for it. No, I can explain it. It is fear of failure, self doubt and the inability to let go.

To make it happen I will have to hurt, push myself mentally and physically like I have never pushed myself before and believe I can do it. I don't know if I can.

*slap* *slap*

I am back. This is what I am going to do. I am going to train like I am going for a 4:15 and be happy with anything less than 4:31, even if it is a 4:30:59.

Can't wait to read this post again in 9 weeks.

****I've changed my mind. After last night's run, my new goal is a 4:25. I think I was smoking crack thinking about a 4:15 this year. Maybe next year.

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